


Mr. Lupin's Wild Ride

by kingbeezelbub



Category: Lupin III
Genre: Crack, Gen, Humor, Lupin being Lupin, Zenigata being clueless as usual, everyone is high as fuck, except pops
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-29
Updated: 2019-06-29
Packaged: 2020-05-29 15:48:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,299
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19403467
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kingbeezelbub/pseuds/kingbeezelbub
Summary: One night, Lupin and the gang decide to chill out and have some relaxation after their recent heist. But then, things soon take a turn for the trippy...





	Mr. Lupin's Wild Ride

Jigen was leaning against the van, taking a hit from a fancy pipe he managed to snag during the heist at the Lozeria Mansion in Northern Italy. Lupin had decided to pull over out in the boonies to avoid attention from the police. The gunslinger took another drag from his pipe. God, it felt good to toke up some good weed sometimes.

"Man, this stuff is great, I tell ya. I'm glad our friend Lozeria is one hell of a smoker."

Goemon eyed Jigen curiously from his place on the ground. "May I try some of what you're smoking, Jigen?"

"Knock yourself out."

Taking the pipe from the bearded gunman, Goemon put it to his lips and inhaled, letting the effects of the hemp go inside him. He let out a breath, smoke going out. "...An interesting feeling."

"What I tell you? That son of a bitch was holding the good stuff all for himself. Good thing we decided to liberate him of it." Jigen chuckled. "Ah, man. If only Lupin would liberate himself of Fujiko."

"That seems...unlikely." Goemon raised an eyebrow as he took another smoke of the pipe.

"You know what's more unlikely? Fujiko starting a family."

The two stood there in silence, before bursting in laughter. Goemon passed the pipe back to Jigen, who happily took another long toke.

"So, what is Lupin doing now?" Goemon asked.

"Probably trying to get into his Fujicakes's pants again." Jigen huffed. "Though I doubt she'll let him."

"Are you boys talking about little ol' me?" A woman's voice cut through the air as a certain big-breasted brunette walked up towards them, clad in a black leather biker suit. "Oh, boys, I'm hurt, really. Talking ill about a lady like me behind her back."

"Ah, piss off." Jigen rolled his eyes at Fujiko. "You're not that much of a lady."

"And you're not much of a man," Fujiko shot back, strolling over and taking the pipe from Jigen, despite his protests. She took a long drag from it before shoving it back to him and blew out a smoky stream. "Ooh, this is so good."

"Greedy bitch," Jigen growled.

"Manners, Jigen~"

Goemon just watched them with a strange look on his face as they argued.

"This coming from the queen bitch herself."

"If Lupin were here, he would be offended." Fujiko pouted.

"Where is Lupin?" Goemon asked.

Fujiko turned to him, pout vanishing. "He said he had business in town to take care of. I really hope he comes back."

"Yeah, I need some food real bad." Jigen scratched his beard. "My beard is starting to bug me."

Lupin was giggling madly to himself as he was strolling down the sidewalk, a glazed, silly expression on his face. "Hehehehe~! Oh, Fujicakes, I can't wait to feel you in my arms once again!" Ever since he smoked that blunt he made from Lozeria's secret weed stash, Lupin had been getting high and higher. "My sweet, sweet love! Oh, FUJIKO~!"

The master thief was so absorbed into his fantasies that he didn't notice a certain Interpol inspector walking down towards him. Zenigata was reading a newspaper, mumbling something. "Let's see... Taurus, no. Aries, no. Libra- There we go. Libra: You will be closer to your destined one sooner than you think." The Japanese detective snorted. "What a load. 'My destined one'? What kind of malarkey is that-OOF!"

He fell onto his ass as someone crashed into him. "Hey, what the hell-?!"

"Oh, Fujiko, my love~! My darling sweetheart! Daddy's here!" Lupin began to plant kisses all over a stunned Zenigata's face, then leapt back as if he were slapped. "Oh, dear god, Fujiko! What's wrong with your face?! Your skin feels like Pops!"

"L-Lupin?!" Squawked out Zenigata as he tried to pull himself together. "What the hell are you doing?!"

"Oh, no!" Lupin jumped back in horror, eyes widened. "Oh, god, no! YOU'RE TURNING INTO... POPS! "

"What the hell is wrong with you, Lupin?!" Zenigata growled, quickly getting to his feet. "I don't know why you're acting this way, but I'm going to take you in-HEY! Stop, Lupin!" The detective roared at the fleeing thief and took off after him. "GET BACK HERE!"

"S-STAY AWAY! NOOOO! LEAVE ME ALONE, POPS! I DON'T WANT YOU NEAR ME!"

"LUPIN!"

Jigen, Goemon, and Fujiko were sitting near the van, laughing their asses off.

"And I said, 'Lover, if you want to do me a favor, go out and jump in a pile of manure.'" Fujiko cackled.

"Damn, he really did that?!" Jigen wheezed.

"I would never imagine he would do that," Goemon chuckled, holding his sides. "It's getting hot out here."

"It's not that hot, honey." Fujiko sighed. "But my loins are on fire..."

Jigen let out a howling cackle at that. "If Lupin were here to hear that, he'd be on you like flies to garbage." That earned him a smack to the arm by Fujiko.

"I do hope he comes back." The samurai stared off into the distance, as if he were expecting something to come by.

"LUPIIIIN!" Zenigata roared as he sprinted after Lupin. "GET BACK HERE!"

"HELP ME! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, HELP ME! WERE-POPS IS AFTER ME!" Lupin screamed, dashing like a man possessed. He was so focused on running away from Zenigata that he didn't notice he was heading towards where the others were located. "JIGEN! GOEMON! HELP!"

"Was that Lupin?" Jigen tipped his hat.

"Sounds like he found trouble." Goemon raised an eyebrow.

"What did he do now?" Fujiko huffed. "He better not have ran into Pops."

"LUPIN, YOU SON OF A BITCH!"

"Speak of the devil and he shall appear," Goemon stoically stated.

"Aw, shit. We gotta get outta dodge. Let's leave those lovebirds alone." Jigen quickly stood up, brushing his beard off. "Fucking butterflies nesting in my beard...!"

"GUYS! YOU GOTTA HELP ME! POPS WON'T LEAVE ME ALONE!" Lupin screeched as he came closer, Zenigata hot on his heels. "GO AWAY, YOU DIRTY OLD MAN! STOP TRYING TO BE MY FUJICAKES!"

"I beg your pardon?! Are you comparing me to Pops?!" An annoyed Fujiko squawked out, her face turning red.

"W-Well, he ain't wrong. Hehehehe-OW!" Jigen hissed as Fujiko kicked his leg. "Bitch!"

"YOU'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE, LUPIN!" Zenigata then lunged fowards, ready to tackle Lupin down and...

WHAM!

He fell into a heap as he crashed into the side of the van. "...I'll get you yet, you bastard..."

"That was almost cartoonish." Goemon looked at the now-unconscious inspector.

"Just like Looney Tunes." Jigen nudged Zenigata with his foot. "Yikes."

Lupin let out a cheer. "Thank the heavens above, my prayers have been answered! Pops won't be haunting my dreams for a while! Now I can concentrate on my true love~" He giggled gleefully and glomped Jigen. "Oh, Fujiko, my love. I've been searching for you for so long, my heart is aching with anguish!"

"...Wrong girl, boss." The bearded gunman grunted out, annoyed. "Your Fujicakes is over there." He pulled himself away from the thief and pointed at an angry Fujiko, who looked ready to kill Lupin.

Lupin slowly turned around and looked at Fujiko, a nervous look spreading over his face. "F-Fujicakes... I-I can explain, honey!"

"Oh, you sure can. You can tell me everything while I'll be busy strangling you. Comparing me to Pops? Really?!" The brunette strode over to her doomed lover, hands opening and clenching.

"G-Guys? A little help?" Lupin turned to Goemon and Jigen, who were quickly making themselves scarce. "GUYS! Don't leave me hanging!"

"You reap what you have sown, Lupin." Goemon stated.

"What he said. Have fun, you two!" With that, Jigen and Goemon let out a peal of laughter as they hurried away from the sounds of Lupin crying out and Fujiko cursing at him.


End file.
